I have been worrying for the past couple of days.
My period was delayed for six days.
And I was terrified that I was pregnant three months after my CS. I have been strictly advised that I should not be pregnant within one year after the procedure or else I will endanger myself to uterine rupture. I was so worried, not for myself but for my Via. Another baby would mean that Via will not have what I wanted her to have. I was supposed to work hard after my first pregnancy. And I was thinking during these past few days, how I can work as hard as I could if I was pregnant again. It's like all my plans for the past couple of months is becoming out of my reach. It was so disappointing.
I was angry at myself.
I could not blame anyone else but myself. Even if they say that it takes two to tango, it could not have happened if I didn't allow it. I don't want to swear anymore but I truly hope that my husband and me could just put it off for a long time. I don't think it would be that hard now after the big scare.
I couldn't concentrate at work.
I lacked sleep this couple of days. And I couldn't stay put in one place. All I can think about is when is it going to come. I had a couple of incident reports in my new work. I knew it was going to put a bad performance note in my record permanently but I really didn't care because I have more problems to face.
I turned to God because I was so desperate for a miracle.
I couldn't believe it and you also may not. I went to Sta. Clara church in Katipunan. That is where I usually pray. I love that church because I think it's a solemn, if not holy, place. I was praying for a miracle. And I was even praying for redemption.
I was asking for forgiveness that I'm about to make.
Since there is no option but to remove if there's any (one) there, I know I'm about to sin because I just want to save my life. I was crying in the bathroom. I was crying in the workplace (quietly so that no one would notice). I was even teary eyed in the jeepney the other day. I don't want to hurt my baby (in my womb, if there was anyone down there). I felt really sad for me, my unborn child, and Via.
Another child would have been nice. I went to Sta. Clara church and I prayed that the Lord take my unborn child for a few years. I asked Him not to give my child to someone else. I also prayed that when we are ready, if He can allow it, I wanted my unborn child back. And then I could not hold on to my tears. I was so sad that if ever I was with child, I will not probably get to know her or him.
It was as if, I couldn't keep up with my emotions yesterday when I was in church. I was afraid because I have to sin. I was so sad for my unborn child. I was so angry at myself. I was worried for my Via and my family who will be again hurt about all of it.
Less than 24 hours, my prayers were granted.
The Lord kept my child in His arms. I think He will give her or him to me when I'm ready again. He did not allow me to make a dreadful mortal sin. He saved my soul this time.
Right now, I feel so relieved. Everything is in its place again. Dear Lord, thank you! Thank you so much!