The Great Relief

I have been worrying for the past couple of days.

My period was delayed for six days.

And I was terrified that I was pregnant three months after my CS.  I have been strictly advised that I should not be pregnant within one year after the procedure or else I will endanger myself to uterine rupture. I was so worried, not for myself but for my Via.  Another baby would mean that Via will not have what I wanted her to have.  I was supposed to work hard after my first pregnancy. And I was thinking during these past few days, how I can work as hard as I could if I was pregnant again.  It's like all my plans for the past couple of months is becoming out of my reach.  It was so disappointing.

I was angry at myself.

I could not blame anyone else but myself.  Even if they say that it takes two to tango, it could not have happened if I didn't allow it.  I don't want to swear anymore but I truly hope that my husband and me could just put it off for a long time.  I don't think it would be that hard now after the big scare.

I couldn't concentrate at work.

I lacked sleep this couple of days.  And I couldn't stay put in one place.  All I can think about is when is it going to come. I had a couple of incident reports in my new work.  I knew it was going to put a bad performance note in my record permanently but I really didn't care because I have more problems to face.

I turned to God because I was so desperate for a miracle.

I couldn't believe it and you also may not.  I went to Sta. Clara church in Katipunan. That is where I usually pray.  I love that church because I think it's a solemn, if not holy, place.  I was praying for a miracle.  And I was even praying for redemption.

I was asking for forgiveness that I'm about to make.

Since there is no option but to remove if there's any (one) there, I know I'm about to sin because I just want to save my life.  I was crying in the bathroom.  I was crying in the workplace (quietly so that no one would notice).  I was even teary eyed in the jeepney the other day.  I don't want to hurt my baby (in my womb, if there was anyone down there).  I felt really sad for me, my unborn child, and Via.

Another child would have been nice.  I went to Sta. Clara church and I prayed that the Lord take my unborn child for a few years.  I asked Him not to give my child to someone else.  I also prayed that when we are ready, if He can allow it, I wanted my unborn child back.  And then I could not hold on to my tears.  I was so sad that if ever I was with child, I will not probably get to know her or him.

It was as if, I couldn't keep up with my emotions yesterday when I was in church.  I was afraid because I have to sin.  I was so sad for my unborn child.  I was so angry at myself.   I was worried for my Via and my family who will be again hurt about all of it.

Less than 24 hours, my prayers were granted.

The Lord kept my child in His arms.  I think He will give her or him to me when I'm ready again.  He did not allow me to make a dreadful mortal sin.  He saved my soul this time.

Right now, I feel so relieved.  Everything is in its place again.  Dear Lord, thank you!  Thank you so much!

I Entered A Swim Wear Contest

I don't know if my body is up to the challenge.

But I really really want to win something nice.  I'm going out of my wits these days and winning something as nice as the swim suits featured in the following blog would boost my mood:

http://heretishietishie.blogspot.com/2011/03/anniversary-giveaway-cocomo-swimsuits.html

I wish you would join too.

Hubby Reading The Bible

Hubby is the least of all people that I know speak of being a Christian.  I don't hear him pray or speak about praying at all.  I developed a plan to make him read the Bible for me.

I left my Bible in our apartment.  And for the first time tonight, I called him up to make him read a verse I wanted to hear.  These are the random verses from the computer side bar.  I didn't tell him that I could read the verse in the Bible here at home or even Google it.

So he started reading.

We had a fight awhile ago before this.  This afternoon, because I thought he was being mean, I said back some mean words too.  And then the Bible verse I gave him was about husbands and wives.  That wasn't intentional on my part.  So he was supposed to read just two verses.  But he was enjoying the passage because it made me look bad.  But because I love hearing him emphasize on some of the passages and hearing his voice and laugh at the same time, I let him be.  It was as if he was giving me a sermon.

I was really amazed how appropriate the verse was for this day.

And I was really happy that hubby enjoyed reading the Bible to me.  He even said that he should do that for me every night before going to bed especially now that we are not together.

Early Morning at MOA

Yesterday morning, my sister invited Via and me to go to MOA along with her family.  They've been inviting us to go with them every weekend for the past four weeks already.  It was just unfortunate that every time my sister knocks on our door, Via and I are asleep.

And so at last, Via had her first view of the sea.

Hello Sunshine!

Momma, I feel hot.

Here's kuya Gabino, my nephew.

Can't take her eyes off momma (or probably, the camera)

Here, with her yaya Jane who dotes on her like a big sister.

Heehee!

I love you anak!

Here's my sister and her son.

My sister trying to teach my 2 year-old nephew how to pedal his bike.

Manila Bay park in MOA was a little bit crowded.  I was pleased that it was so.  

I don't know why but seeing a lot of people in one place makes me happy.

It's too bad we didn't have enough cash with us, I would have loved to buy 

a Hotdog for all of us.

Commuting With Baby

I don't think we're going to have any car soon.  And I'm sure that while baby is growing up, she will have to commute with her father and me.

I enjoy commuting.  For the past six months, I started commuting again after eight years or so.  Last time, I commuted before this was when I was in college and enjoying living independently in Sampaloc.  Now that my CS wound is not that prone to tear or infection, I am able to commute using the jeepneys or tricycles.  I am not even sensitive to smog like I used to before.

But it's another story when I'm going to have to commute with my baby.  I think she will not be able to leave the house until she is seven without using the taxi.  I don't want my daughter to be exposed to air pollution which is so dense here in Manila.  If you could see some parts of Manila from a high ground, you would cringe on how air pollution has become so visible, it makes the atmosphere dark in its lower layers.  I did way back when I was in Sampaloc.  And so, I am afraid to expose my kid to that kind of pollution while she is growing up.

I have read and heard about lead poisoning a lot of times already.  So while my baby is still having her brain in the developing stages, I don't want any lead deposited in there somewhere.  Not all vehicle uses unleaded gasoline.  I think our Honda vehicles are the only ones which requires unleaded fuel.  The rest needs the premium or diesel gasoline.

And so, when I have to travel with my kid, we have no choice but to spend for taxi.  The new fare rate is going to be very hard for an average earner like me.  But it would be more hard if I let my kid sniff lead0filled air.

I am just particular on how cab seats are always dirty.  There was once when I hailed a cab, the back seat was so dirty, there were so many stains that I was afraid to sit on it.  If I'm going to travel with Via,  I would be forced to bring a picnic cloth or something like that (like the foldable banig) that we could sit on.

Some people say that when you ride a taxi instead of other PUVs, you are quite well-off sans your own car.  You are more glamorous that way.  But if you have to sit in a stained car seat cover without knowing what the heck they were from, you'd rather hail a jeepney instead.

If they're charging so much, I think we earn the right to complain so much.

I'm Not That Old

Well, if the basis were the days we have spent here on earth, I am probably older than you are.

But if you look at it in another way, we might be of the same age.  When people asked me years ago what I wanted to be when I grow up, I wasn't able to tell them anything because there was nothing to tell.  I was so happy where I was at at that time that I didn't think I'd be rather somewhere or someone else.

I was already old at that time.  Aged, maybe.  I didn't have any dreams because I felt I already attained my happiness.  I've got my toys with me.  I've got my parents with me.  I was enjoying the company of my baby brother (baby then).  I have my sister with me who sometimes I could pester to my heart's content.  And most of all, I've got my books with me.  I had it made... just like an old retiree. 

But 15 years or so later, I am so restless.  It's like I've got to be somewhere or I've got to do something.  I can't seem to sit "still" without brainstorming of things to do.  I don't even have to sleep that very long.  A short deep nap will do (since my baby keeps me awake most of the time).  I wanted to do so many things. 

I was young again. 

If somebody dares to ask me "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I think she'll get a lot of answers from me.  I have again started dreaming about the future.  I feel that life is ahead of me and there's a game I have to play... but not necessarily win.  I just need to play. 

I feel young again. 

All of these thanks to my baby.  She made me want to be more than what I am right now.

Something To Wear From My Hubby

The other day, hubby  told me that he bought me some things he wanted me to wear.  He said they were really cheap.  And he hoped that I would like them even if they were. He thought they would look good on me if I was wearing the right clothes.

And so, yesterday, I paid him a visit because I was excited to see what he has for me.

I was not really big on accessories.  As much as possible, I wear as little as much as possible. When I saw what he bought me, I was worried that they were too eye-catching.  I didn't want people looking at my way because of these.  But then, when he wore them around me, I thought that they were really subdued if I carry it well.  Also, if I was wearing the plainest clothes and then wear these, it would make a big difference.

And so, I am excited to wear these once I get to have the chance.   

I can't wait to buy a plain black fitted shirt to wear with the necklace above.  

And I'm still rummaging my closet for a plain white button-down long sleeved blouse to wear 

along with the necklace below.  

I haven't been so apprehensive in wearing pink before until I saw the one below.  

I have doubts in wearing this.  I'm not sure if I could pull it off.  

So I'm putting this off for a little while until I find the clothes to wear this one. 

I have doubts wearing the earrings above.  I wonder if the pair makes me look 

younger than my age.  I wouldn't want that to happen.  I've been wanting to look my 

age ever since I think getting old gracefully is a must for me. 

Getting Married in the Philippines

Awhile ago, Fr.Bije of Christ The King in E.Rodriguez Sr. Ave QC paid our home a visit.  He invited me to have a short counselling session with him.  We talked about my situation right now.  I told him that I was doing okay because I am finally working again. We talked about my relationship with my parents right now.  We also talked about how my parents and I feel about my situation.  

He reminded me that marriage is between two people.  He said it doesn't say in any marriage contract that it's an agreement between a person and the in-laws.  He told me that it is only Filipinos see it that way.  But in truth, it is the decision of two people to start a life of their own. 

For the past two weeks, I have met two people who told me that they are having a problem with their marriages.  Both of them are separated with their husbands.  Their common problem was dealing with the in-laws.  I pitied them that it has to come to a point where they have to be separated from their partners.  

It is a known fact that I hate meddling relatives.  

I have an uncle who was one of the casualties.  He is divorced to his wife because his wife could not take my relatives attitude any longer.  I don't blame his ex-wife.  I have been a witness to my relatives' bullying.  Good thing I have the sense to question everything and everyone during that time.  I think my father, sister and I were the ones who didn't join in the bandwagon.  Unfortunately, my mother was one of those who were making up stories about my ex-aunt.  

I made my husband promise me that he won't let his relatives meddle with our family.  And he made me promise the same thing.  It was the only way we could live peacefully.  We even decided that we will move to another apartment so that neither of our parents could track us down.   We will be the ones to visit relatives and not the other way around.  

I know it sounds a little bit psycho of us to hide our residence from relatives but it was much better than having someone watch your move or make decisions for you.  

If ever his relatives meddle in our family past my tolerance level, and he allows it, he can be sure that I will leave him and bring my Via with me.  I don't want a husband or partner who doesn't have a mind of his own.  

It is never fair for a family to be separated because of relatives but if it is the only way to keep your sanity, then you must do what you think is right.  If you think being in charge is good for your family, why not make your own decisions.  But if you are somehow unsure of what to do and you think your family makes sense, their suggestions will be most welcome.

Momma's Oil of Olay

Here's the thing, I have super dry skin all over.  And that includes my face.  And when it happens, it becomes so itchy and painful already.  I was told that it was much better to have oily skin than dry skin.  Reason being is you age quickly with dry skin.  Wrinkles will appear sooner in this population.

And so, I have to find ways in order to preserve of what was left in my youth.  This pursuit is mainly because I'm am older than my husband and I really hate it if people finally could tell that fact.  LOL!

I bought Olay's Total Effects anti-aging cream and it came with a free facial wash.  I thought it was a good deal already because it was quite expensive (but not as expensive as when you have dermatological treatments in your face).

According to studies, sun exposure is the number one aging agent there is.  Stress comes in second.  Lack of sleep comes in third.  Since I have been experiencing all three for the past few days, I guess, it's the best time to do some preventive regimen ahead of time.

What I noticed was that I get to have smoother suppler skin.  Also, a big plus was that I get some pinkish glow.  No kidding.  It's like I have this fresh face all of a sudden.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  It addresses all types of skin so anyone can actually use it.

You Woke Up The Baby

Yesterday, Via and I stayed in our apartment for a whole afternoon get together with her father. It was so fortunate for us that Via was in the mood for long sleeping hours.  While she was asleep, we were able to take our lunch and snack.  All the while, we were so careful of making any noise.  

After which, we lied down in bed with Via - I, to sleep and he, to play with the computer (silently, of course).  I gave him gentle slaps on the back whenever he spoke too loudly.  And was shhhh-ing him every time.  And he shhhh-s back to me.  I scolded him that if he wakes up the baby, he's the one in charge making the baby go back to sleep because I was planning to have a nap at that time.  

And then Via stirred and we both look at each other, pointing fingers as if to say, "You woke up the baby!".  We were trying to get her back to sleep.  Upon checking up on her, we found out she just needed diaper changing.  And then she fell back to sleep when we finally changed her diapers.  

I Love It's Pinkness

A friend from work brought out her new gadget that was given to her by her husband.  She said her husband was unhappy to see her unhappy about her phone being snatched along Metrowalk a few weeks ago.  And so she received this surprise gift.

We both love the same (Hello Kitty) shade of pink.  And I turned green with envy when she brought this out of her bag one day at work.  I'm not into the gadget.  But I was so into its cover and the white keyboard.

This is just so cute.  Well, I told her that too.

Wish List #1 Dining Table

A few weeks before, husband and I strolled around the furniture department of SM department store.  And this particular dining table caught my attention.  It looks like it's meant for outdoors but for me, it would make an interesting dining table as well as work table.  I told my husband that it is now on my wish list.

The seat is more like a bench.  So it would seem like we would be eating in a local carinderia or cantina.  It was perfect because it sits six people.  So if we had visitors, we will be able to accommodate them for brunch, lunch or dinner.

It's not as elegant as some.  And it's not even a classic.  It's just so very homey to look at or use.  I really want one.

It poses a problem though.   First, it is way out of our budget.  And secondly, it is way too big for our apartment.  Sigh!  I guess the first on the wish list is supposed to be our own home.  Oh well, more affordable things will make my list first.

Tumbling!

Yes, I want to do cartwheels right now.  I got in.  Yes! Yes! Yes!

Dear Lord, Via and me thank you so much for this job which will be a new adventure for me.

Job Hunting Again?

Oh my!  I'm not so confident about my demo a few minutes ago.  I'll probably be on the road again tomorrow to look for work.  Sigh!  So sad.  I wanted to have this work even just for the meantime.

The perk of this job?  Weekends off!!!  And I have so many things in mind that I wanted to do during that weekends off.  Like start again with my wedding business.  Sigh!  Now I have to put that on hold.

The pay is not so great.  And there's little chance that I will be able to climb the corporate ladder in this company.  But I still want to get in.  Reason is, I'm after developing my speaking voice and being able to be spontaneous when talking to people.

It is connected with my "weekend" plan.  If I am able to do good in this, I'd take jobs that involves being emcees in events.  It's kind of funny because I'm a hopeless case.  I don't talk much. Period.

I am not used to chatting with people.  I  mostly keep to myself if I don't have to mingle.  It's amazing though, that I do have lots of friends.  I wonder now why they put up with me all these time.  I have friends who are total opposite of my character.  Maybe I'm more of a listener.  Maybe that's it.

.... Anyway, it would really be sad to go home if I lost this battle.  Naks!  I'm battling with my own self, my own skills - which is initially non-existent for this field of work.  Sigh!  I'm sad for me and my daughter if ever later, I'll be booted out.  I wonder now how I will take it.  I wish I'd give a graceful exit later.

... I'm still crossing my fingers.

Make Or Break

In a few minutes, I will be providing a demo that will let them know if I'm going to stay or go ahead with working in this company.

I'm praying that I do well later because I really need this job. I think this is going to be my ticket (and Via's too) to get out of my parents' lair.  Okay.  I'm probably overdoing it.  Our home is far from being a lair.  But of course, if we actually get out of the place, there will be no more invincible burden on my part and theirs.

Of course, my burden will just begin when I get out of the house.  The responsibility of being a mother will probably overwhelm me once me and my Via go and live on our own.  It will probably be the hardest and most challenging part of my life when I finally experience motherhood, full force.

Of course, Via's dad will be around with us.  But, since it will be my first time having someone (like Via) to rely on me entirely, it will, least to say, overwhelming.

But I have to be tough.

Later on, I'll know if I have I'll get my "ticket" out of my parents' home.  It's up to the big bosses.

I'm excited and anxious at the same time.  Whatever happens, I would need to move on and look forward.

I'm secretly praying "Dear Lord, please grant me this job".